Long Story Short

This is an email I sent to Steven's aunt Laurie who is a good friend of mine.


Well, first of all Steven and I broke up about nine months ago. We slept together on and off for about 6 months. Seeing as he lived with me it was difficult to tell him no since he wouldn't stop asking. Well, during this entire time, Steven lived with me and my family along with Alina. I decided that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore. He didn't believe me. Well I started talking to this guy, Seth, online who as we speak is a very good friend of mine. I'd like to point out that I am NOT dating him, I am NOT sleeping with him, I am JUST talking to him. Well anyway, I told Steven that I was starting to like this guy. Which I thought would be fine seeing as we weren't dating. On May 3rd, my mother, steven, and I had a misunderstanding. Steven and I thought that she kicked us out. Including Alina. In all actual reality, she only kicked me out, and only for a short period (day or so) but seeing as we thought it was permanent, we found other places to live. I went to live with my old friend Gabi. The only problem with that was that I couldn't bring Alina with me. So Steven offered to take her instead of me finding somewhere else to go seeing as we felt we had only a day to find a new home. Well, I didn't like the idea of Alina being with Dawn and Art, but I trusted Steven to take care of Alina and seeing as I was going to be picking her up in a couple months anyway, I figured it would be like a little vacation. So I sent her up with some of her stuff and sent my computer up with him since I had no where to put it where I was going. Well, two weeks later I called Steven and told her that I was back at home and that we'd be coming to pick Alina up the next day. He requested that I don't come up until after, I think it was fathers day. I figured it was fathers day so I'd let him have her another day. After fathers day I told him I'd be up the following tuesday. He said okay. On monday he told me not to come up on Tuesday because he was going to be busy, and not to come up wednesday or thursday either. I was suspicious of why but I figured he just wants to see her for longer. No big thing I thought. Well, when I finally got up there to get her, Art served me with custody papers and told me I wasn't allowed to see my daughter. Steven, that morning, had gone to Merced and requested sole custody of Alina. If you would like I can send you what he said about me but in summary he basically said that I was an unfit mother and that I didn't "have the time or the patience" to take care of Alina. He said some bad things, told a couple lies, so on and so forth.

We went to what's called an orientation. Basically they explained to us how this is going to effect Alina and showed us a video of a bunch of kids who went through the process saying what a terrible process it was. NOW YOU'D THINK that Steven would see all the pain these kids went through and change his mind about doing this but no. He did not. Many times I have offered other solutions that don't involve a custody fight. Before he even went to live with Dawn and Art in Los Banos, we had an agreement. And a good one for him too. Not so good for me but that was okay because Alina didn't have to get hurt in the process. Well, he didn't change his mind

Now keep in mind, Steven rarely lets me see Alina and it's usually for a short time (30 minutes.) Also understand that my mom works day and night every day so when I want to see Alina she has to take off work for the day, rent a car, and take me to Los Banos.

Today, well technically yesterday, we went to mediation which is where Steven and I tell a mediator about our lives and what we want out of this fight. The mediator decided that we were both unstable and that they were going to evalute our lives, meaning they had to open up our entire lives like books. The people we talk to the people who live with us our decisions our friends, so on and so forth. Now, I'm a good person, I'm a good daughter and though I wasn't in the beginning, I'm a good mother. But if my fate with my daughter depends on my family, I won't ever get to see my little girl again... My family makes bad decisions sometimes but they always learn from them and they would never do anything that could ruin my life with Alina. So my options are limited. Live at home with mom and never see my daughter again OR find another place to live, get a job, finish school, and get a car within the next week which would almost guarantee me to get Alina back. So obviously I'm workin' on the second one. So far I have a place to live in Los Banos with one of my aunts. If I can get the car, I can get a job that is in los banos. Next to that I'm signing up for the proficiency examine tomorrow so I can get my diploma.

um, other than that, Steven is being immature and selfish about this entire thing. He's mad that I like someone and he's mad that I won't fuck him anymore so he's throwing custody fights in my face. And the only one getting hurt by it is my family and my daughter. He's hurting innocent people because he's jealous, pissed off, and because his fuckin' mother wants everything she shouldn't be allowed to have. Laurie, she's going to teach my daughter that I'm a terrible person. And with the visitation that they are allowing me to have, I can't prove to her otherwise...

I missed her first halloween because they left trick-or-treating before I could get there even though I tried as hard as I could to get there. I missed her first Thanksgiving because I thought it would be nice for Alina to share it with her grandmother and grand-stepfather. I missed her first Christmas because Dawn refused to pick her up Christmas eve night so she could have her on Christmas day. I missed my first mothers day because Steven wouldn't bring her down. And now I'm going to miss her first birthday. I KNOW you can imagine how much that hurts me. I've missed so many firsts Laurie, I'm runnin' out...

That's basically what's going on. Right now I'm trying to gather all of the money I can so I can get a car that will get to Los Banos and back so I can visit my family and Alina can visit hers. I have one week to get all of this. Or at least to set it all up.

I don't understand how he doesn't see what he's doing.

Broke Down

My car broke down for the first time. I hate my car. I wish my brother just let me grow up by myself. I don't want his help and I really don't need his help. If I make a mistake in life, I want to fix it, I want to learn from it.

Well, anyway, my car broke down on the 880 freeway on my way to Brian's house to charge my phone since Donna wouldn't let me charge it at her place. Brian's house is a 30 minute drive from mine takin' the freeway. About 15 minutes in my car overheated. I didn't know it was overheating until my car started smoking because my gages are broken. I was outside for 6 hours because of that car which gave me a MAJOR sunburn. It doesn't bother me much but wearing bra's sucks.

I got to see Alina for 2 1/2 hours today... I miss her so much. She's so TAN now. Just like her mama. I can't wait 'til she comes home to me...

Dating

I'm back in the dating scene. Ew *rolls eyes*

I hate this part >.<

Random Update

It's been a while since I've put up a blog here for actual updating purposes so forgive me for that. But I can honestly say you're not missing out on anything.

My life is pretty dull. Other than getting a new sister, there has been nothing even remotely exciting going on.

Lately my brother, my sister, my new sister, and I have been playing the Wii a lot. Bowling and Golf. I kick ass at golf. My brother plays with me multiple times a day. He says that he's going to play me until he beats me. Which is never going to happen lol. I'm better than him at bowling, but I'm not great at it. Weird thing about it is that my brother and I never got along well. Not since we turned to his life of jail time and parole. But once he got married, we've been better. I don't think it's because he's changed. I don't think he'll ever change. I think it's because he is willing to sacrifice that part of him, to keep Terralyn.

This past weekend my niece and my new sisters nieces came over and we had a giant slumber party. Which was entertaining for a good period of time. We watched Hairspray, went to jack in the box, and painted pictures + our toe nails. =) It's nice having people to do that with. Kids take stuff like that with such happiness. Adults and teens just don't care after a while.

I still don't have any friends.

Tomorrow I'm going to Santa Cruz to look for housing. The kind that the government helps with. Scooter is taking me, even though I would much rather Erin take me since she's already been through all that.

I'm using notemine.com a lot. It's not time consuming and it's kind of a helpful website. One of those "get it off your chest" kind of things. Ya'll should try it out.

Well, until next time!

Bibbitt

They're Married

It's official. My brother and Taralyn got married. I Love Taralyn to death she's super cool and fun to hang out with. It's like having, yet another, sister! Sometimes I don't like her but sometimes I don't like everybody. lol. I personally find it strange that my brother got married cause, he's an asshole, but I guess he fits her.

PS
Melissa you better not get married without me there -.-

I made a mistake...

A huge one at that. And those of you that don't know, I'm not very good at admitting when I'm wrong. So if me doing so isn't a big deal to you, then you shouldn't be reading this.

I fucked up. I fell hard for someone who promised me everything I wanted. Someone who promised to take me out of all the drama that came with being where I am. Promised to take me as me, and love me as that. With all my faults and flaws, he promised to take care of me. And knew that it wasn't real. Inside, I did. But I couldn't talk myself out of the hope that it could be true.Because of that, I lost two friends that I think about everyday. Two friends I will think about the rest of my life. Wishing that I hadn't done what I had done. I didn't choose. It's not that I didn't choose them, it's that I didn't choose at all. I hoped that I could keep both. Two of my last few friends left, were lost. In no way was it their fault. It was all me. When they left, I didn't do anything. I stand by my choice to not do anything, but once they left I leaned onto him. Hoping that he would stand by my side through anything that happened, just like he had promised. And as I was leaning, he suddenly stepped away, and watched me fall .He said he couldn't handle the drama that surrounds me. And suddenly, I had not only lost my friend, but I had lost the man who was the cause of me losing my friends. And there was no one; except Alina. Who, though she loves to jabber, isn't that helpful to talk to.

I don't expect to be forgiven, or given another chance, or anything like that. Honestly, if I was on the opposite side of this table, I wouldn't offer any more cards. I just needed someone, anyone, to know that I'm sorry. And that I miss the three I lost. But that if I had to do it over, I wouldn't change a thing. Becuase for a little while, I was COMPLETELY happy. And that's not something that I've had the pleasure of feeling.

Everyone wants their moment of happiness, I wasn't going to wait to try to have mine.

I'm Sorry, I Love you, No Regrets

Lately

Well, I got my driving permit. Becka was mad because I got it on my first try and it took her til her second. But her and I have been getting closer and whatnot. It won't last long. Just until her boyfriend starts spendin' more time with her. But that's okay. Little moments right? That's pretty much all that's been goin' on. Thought I'd put it up.

Unfortunate Update

I know that I have things to say. I’m just not sure how to bring them into conversation. Seeing as I can’t find a way to do that, I guess I’ll just jump in with the news.

I’ve had a bad couple of days; a bad week really. I’m finding out things that I wish I never knew; things that hurt me to know. I’ve been physically and emotionally hurt by people I never thought had the balls or the heart to do.

I was raped again. By someone I see every single day. I fought long and hard. But he was much stronger than he was when I first met him. I gave up… I stopped fighting. I thought about John. The guy I’ve been hoping to see. What he would think when I told him. What he would do. The first time I was raped, my boyfriend left me, after I had told him. Some people can’t handle being with a so called “victim.” But mostly I thought about Alina; my daughter. She’s going to grow up trusting the man who raped me. I don’t think I could tell her. I’ve been raped multiple times. She doesn’t need to know the names of every person who raped me. Nor does she need to know the name of this one. No one does. No one would believe me if I told them anyway. He won’t hurt her. I know that. Not like that anyway. He’d never touch her. He’d never hit her. He’d never verbally abuse her. She can trust him. I just can’t.

My brother, Thomas, threatened my boss. My boss had asked me out. And I was going to say yes. I did say yes. He came to pick me up at around 4:00pm. I needed to talk to him about the previous paragraph. I don’t keep secrets from him. I’m an honest person. Anyway, he came to pick me up and apparently my brother was outside waiting for him in his car. When he showed up my brother drove his car and parked horizontally in front of my boss’s. He got out of the car and started yelling at my boss; threatened that if he ever hurt me that he would kill him. He walked over to me and grabbed my arms. I pulled away and told him not to touch me. He assumed that just because he didn’t hit him, that I had no reason to be mad at him. Now I understand being protective of your siblings. But he lost me my job. And because of him, John won’t come by the house, no matter how many times I tell him that my brother won’t hurt him. Thomas needs to understand that I am my own person and that if I get hurt, it’s my business, not his.

My mother won’t talk to me. I haven’t talked to her in quite some time because every time I try to she says a rude comment or blames me for something that’s going wrong in her life. She calls me a bad mother, a bitch, and a whore. Whore is her favorite. Before I got a job and got into school she said I was lazy and a bad mom for not having a job or an education. Then I got both a job and an education, and her opinion on me hasn’t changed. Just her reasons for that opinion have. It hurts me.

My dad is still my dad. :) He still makes me happy with all his weird jokes and his awkward questions. His stories about the war make my day. I don’t know what I would do without that man. But I’m afraid I may find out sooner than I’d hoped. He tried to kill himself; again. Mom took him to the hospital, asked for Steven’s help instead of mine; made me feel terrible. She wouldn’t take us to see him. When he got back he was happy though. But who knows what trying to die did to the rest of him. He was already sick. Now he could be much worse. And he’s getting older. All the variables add up to death.

Alina is growing her first two teeth. She bit me today and it actually hurt. Lol.

Friends?

This is a blog I wrote on myspace. I'm only explaining that because it's about my myspace friends list and wouldn't make any sense to you unless you knew that.

Six out of seventeen people on my friends list are supposedly my friends. Only one of those six actually speak with me.

Eight out of seventeen are only on my friends list because they are related to me.

...

What happened?

I got pregnant and lost half of my friends. They "couldn't handle the responsibility," they said. As if it was theirs to handle?

Then I fell for someone. That someone, who made me happy(really fuckin' happy), they disapproved of because of age or because of stupid misunderstandings.

There went the other half.
And what am I left with?
Family who don't speak with me unless they need something.
And friends who just don't speak with me.

...