Unfortunate Update

I know that I have things to say. I’m just not sure how to bring them into conversation. Seeing as I can’t find a way to do that, I guess I’ll just jump in with the news.

I’ve had a bad couple of days; a bad week really. I’m finding out things that I wish I never knew; things that hurt me to know. I’ve been physically and emotionally hurt by people I never thought had the balls or the heart to do.

I was raped again. By someone I see every single day. I fought long and hard. But he was much stronger than he was when I first met him. I gave up… I stopped fighting. I thought about John. The guy I’ve been hoping to see. What he would think when I told him. What he would do. The first time I was raped, my boyfriend left me, after I had told him. Some people can’t handle being with a so called “victim.” But mostly I thought about Alina; my daughter. She’s going to grow up trusting the man who raped me. I don’t think I could tell her. I’ve been raped multiple times. She doesn’t need to know the names of every person who raped me. Nor does she need to know the name of this one. No one does. No one would believe me if I told them anyway. He won’t hurt her. I know that. Not like that anyway. He’d never touch her. He’d never hit her. He’d never verbally abuse her. She can trust him. I just can’t.

My brother, Thomas, threatened my boss. My boss had asked me out. And I was going to say yes. I did say yes. He came to pick me up at around 4:00pm. I needed to talk to him about the previous paragraph. I don’t keep secrets from him. I’m an honest person. Anyway, he came to pick me up and apparently my brother was outside waiting for him in his car. When he showed up my brother drove his car and parked horizontally in front of my boss’s. He got out of the car and started yelling at my boss; threatened that if he ever hurt me that he would kill him. He walked over to me and grabbed my arms. I pulled away and told him not to touch me. He assumed that just because he didn’t hit him, that I had no reason to be mad at him. Now I understand being protective of your siblings. But he lost me my job. And because of him, John won’t come by the house, no matter how many times I tell him that my brother won’t hurt him. Thomas needs to understand that I am my own person and that if I get hurt, it’s my business, not his.

My mother won’t talk to me. I haven’t talked to her in quite some time because every time I try to she says a rude comment or blames me for something that’s going wrong in her life. She calls me a bad mother, a bitch, and a whore. Whore is her favorite. Before I got a job and got into school she said I was lazy and a bad mom for not having a job or an education. Then I got both a job and an education, and her opinion on me hasn’t changed. Just her reasons for that opinion have. It hurts me.

My dad is still my dad. :) He still makes me happy with all his weird jokes and his awkward questions. His stories about the war make my day. I don’t know what I would do without that man. But I’m afraid I may find out sooner than I’d hoped. He tried to kill himself; again. Mom took him to the hospital, asked for Steven’s help instead of mine; made me feel terrible. She wouldn’t take us to see him. When he got back he was happy though. But who knows what trying to die did to the rest of him. He was already sick. Now he could be much worse. And he’s getting older. All the variables add up to death.

Alina is growing her first two teeth. She bit me today and it actually hurt. Lol.