I'm Done

"I'm Done. I'm done explaining. You don't want me? Fine. I fucked up. But everyone does. If you walk away from everyone who fucks up, you'll end up all alone..."

I made a huge mistake with someone. I fucked up big time and it seems to have ruined my chances of ever being able to try to be happy with someone that I really care about. And I understand that what I did was really fucking bad and that I have no right to ask for forgiveness. Which is why I'm not. All I'm asking for is the chance to prove that that's not who I am. Even though I know damn well that she knows who I am. I'm not a bad person. I got drunk, and I did something stupid. But I can promise that I'm not the only person who has ever done that. Nor am I the last person who will ever do that. No one can tell me that they have not done something stupid while they were drunk. No one other than those people who haven't been drunk before. (just in case ya'll get literal on my ass.
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I'm sorry. I've said it a million times. I'll say it a million more if I have to. But I'm not going to explain myself anymore. She doesn't seem to care what I think or feel about what happened. Doesn't seem to care about my opinions about it. So I'm done. I want to be with her. But if all she's going to do is scream low blows at me and then walk away as if they didn't hurt me at all, then I'm not going to waste my time trying to make her happy.

Sexuality

I've been bisexual for a long time. But I haven't had a girlfriend for a long time. I'm used to guys falling for me, not girls. I like girls. Girls are amazing. But after a while I stopped looking for a girlfriend because none were looking for me. But I just recently started hanging out with an old friend of mine. And she's beautiful. Smart. Funny. She's everything. I never thought nothin' of it because one, I didn't seem like her type and two, girls just don't fall for me anymore. But she texted me one night saying she did. I wasn't sure what I felt other than surprise but I was confused. I was very confused. I'm still very confused. We've been hanging out a lot lately. And it makes me very happy. I Love hanging out with her. But I'm a little scared. It's been a long time since I've done anything with a girl. Sexually, I'm very not experienced. She's very experienced. I don't want to make a fool out of myself when it comes that ya know. But I don't really have a choice. And now I have to worry about Steven telling her lies when I'm not paying attention. Apparently he's already told her that I like to hurt people and she should get away as soon as she can. He's trying to ruin my relationship. Why? What right does he have?

18th Birthday

December 11 2008

I was not expecting to have a good birthday. Especially since in the beginning it sucked pretty bad. But I actually had a good time with some good friends. We didn't do anything too terribly special but I had friends and my daughter to share it with. With that, who can complain?

Thanks ya'll

Lid
Tricia
John
Jon
Becka
Tj
Greg
Vangeli
Taralyn
Taralyn's Friend
Mom
Misa
David
& last but not least
Alina

Family

The people that you're supposed to be able to go to whenever you need a shoulder to cry on etc. etc. But what do you do when it's your family that makes you need the shoulder? Right now I'm sitting at my computer waiting for my family to come home so we can all have a "happy" thanksgiving. But every single one of us knows it's not going to be a "happy" thanksgiving. You know why we know? Because it never is. But for some reason, every year, we think that maybe for once that things will be different. Just once. Why is that so hard? Why couldn't my brother be here for thanksgiving instead of in a jail or rehabilitation center? Why couldn't my mom live with the fact that we have another sister who wants to be with the family? Why can't my sister figure out that just because my mom hates her doesn't mean she can't show up once in a while? Why can't I stop arguing when someone is wrong? Why can't I just keep it to myself for just one night? This entire day, no one has talked to me. Except when they were asking me to do something for them. This is my family.

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving. One of my least favorite holidays. Not because of the concept but because it's a day. If you're going to be thankful, be thankful everyday. Thank God, or your parents, or even yourself for all the good and the bad that is your life. Understand that all of the good comes with the bad and all the decisions come with the consequences. Every day, not just one out of the year.

Help

People ask for help all the time. They ask from friends, from family, from God, and even from pets that they can't actually talk to. They want a savior. Someone to take their problems and make them nonexistent. Maybe not even that. Maybe just to make them less of a problem. Easier. That's what I want. I have thoughts. Thoughts that, if I wasn't in my right mind, would kill me. Thoughts that I can just barely handle. And I want help. I want to sit with someone and tell them absolutely everything hoping for advice or some sort of saving in return. But I know I won't get that. Partly because I have trouble trusting anyone now a days. But the main reason is I'm asking for saving from the wrong things. I'm asking for someone to save me from being my mother. From being lazy. From being angry and empty. Someone to save me from my family and my "friends." Save me from those I Love so dearly but wish would just run away. I want someone to save me from mistakes that are made or are going to be made. But that's not the saving I need. But no one can save me from that. No one can save me from myself...except me...

...And I don't think I'm the right person for the job...

Doubt

My mom used to tell my sister and me, though I don't personally remember hearing her say it, that "If you have a doubt, don't do it." Sometimes, like now, I really wish that I would listen...

Moving On

It's a hard thing to do for most people. It's only been hard for me once. Which I don't and may never understand. I tried to help Steven move on, so we wouldn't fight anymore about me liking someone or me hanging out at my guy friends' houses. But it's not working. And I honestly can't blame him. It's not his fault. Moving on just seems to come so simply for me. Takes me, what, a week tops? It makes me feel terrible sometimes. But why stay in the past when your present and future are so much more important? I wish things turned out differently with us, I really do, but they didn't. Why am I the only one who knows that we can't change what's already happened? Sometimes I wish people thought like me. The world would be such an un-interesting place... now I'm going to stop thinking about that last comment... O,O

Tired

The title pretty much wraps it up ya'll. I'm tired. Not because of my daughter either. Because of Steven. We got into another fight. Surprise surprise. After Alina went to sleep I decided to go to work even though I have most of the week off. I don't want to fight in front of Alina. She's my life. All my parents do is fight now a days and I don't want Alina to feel like I do when they fight. It's just uncomfortable. So when she goes to sleep, I go to work. Well, instead of going to himself or playing his stupid games like he usually does, he called me and texted me over and over again. Every time we'd hang up he'd call back no more than a minute later. I can't work! I can't do anything. I try to tell him that I'll talk to him later that night but he won't take that answer. Well, no more venting, I have to get back to work.

Sunrise

It's 2:58am and I'm sitting at the computer instead of sleeping. Which doesn't bother me much. I'm usually up pretty late anyway. Alina couldn't sleep. I couldn't get her to sleep. Nothing was working. Feeding her, changing her, letting her stand, letting her role, letting her cry, and playing with her feet. It all did nothing. So I decided to try and rock her. Since Steven and John were trying to sleep in my room, I came out to the computer room where we have a rocking chair (or two) and rock her to sleep. That didn't work. She wasn't crying, she just wasn't sleeping. I put her in her Rock-Itself rocker and turned on the music. Buckled her in as I turned on the computer and came onto blogger. I changed my profile around and read comments and other blogs. Time FLEW! So quickly it did. One minute I had just started and she was sleeping, then the next I was done and she was asleep. What I should do is go to bed. Which is what I'm going to do as soon as I'm done here. But as I was thinking about what to name this post, I thought of the sunrise. That moment in time that everyone thinks is beautiful and loves to see, but never watch when they get the chance. I myself can not remember seeing an actual sunrise. But the thought of seeing one makes me feel all warm inside. Like for an instant, no matter who or where you are, you're warm and everything is okay. I never thought until tonight what power a sunrise has over someone. And even with that power, uses it to benefit others instead of itself. I wish there were more people in the world who used their power for others. Used their wealth to help others. Or their imaginations to brighten up peoples days. I've got to get to bed now but I hope ya'll take the chance to watch the sunrise at least one more time in your short lifetimes.

AGGRIVATED

Here I am. Sitting in a friends house, waiting for his return so I can get to work. My mom, along with everyone else, thinks I'm running away from my daughter. Which I could never do. I Love her too much. They always complained that I didn't do anything. Didn't have a job; didn't go to school. So I got a job. I'm doing something completely legal and am getting paid for it. What do they do? They complain! I leave at night while my daughter is asleep. That way she doesn't miss me. But I'm a bad mom for not being there? Even though she doesn't know I'm not there and I'm getting money so I can help support her? Does that sound like a bad mother to you?

And Steven, I can't stand him anymore. He's so confusing. We've broken up. I understand why he'd be a little upset at that. I really do. But he's yelling and screaming and cursing at me for things I can't control. I've been sleeping at my friends house so not to make it worse by being around him. I get back before my daughter wakes up but he's still angry.

And Thomas; my brother. Someone shoot me. He calls me lazy and a bad mother. Even though he's lazier than I am and he's never there for his daughter and I'm always there for mine. There are so many things I would love to say to him. Things that would hurt him and make him think, but the one thing I know it wouldn't do is change him. So what's the point to wasting my breath?

At the moment there are three good things in my life. My father, my daughter, and my friend John. Though my dad is crazy and mean sometimes, he's the one person who will come up to me and tell me that I'm being the best mother I can be. And that he knows that mom is sometimes wrong even though she won't admit it. Through everything, that man has kept me sane. My daughter means the world to me. More than the world to me. So much that it's impossible to decribe. Every morning I see her smile and it just lights up the room. I don't see how anyone could be mad or sad when she's there. So far, I can't. :) And last is John. He has been so good to me through everything. Letting me stay at his place so I don't have to fight with Steven in front of my daughter. He'll stay up with me until he can't control his eyelids just so I can vent to him about people he doesn't even know. He's sweet and honest. Well, that's about all I have to say so, good read and good night.

Teenage to Teen Mom

When I think back on my pregnancy I notice that I realized I had a baby growing inside me far many more times than I had mood swings. And I would always forget that I had already gone through that realization every time I experienced it. I remember how I felt though, that will never leave my memory. I'd cry, smile, and fear. Cry at the fact that I had no idea what I was going to do. Smile at the thought of having a little me. Fear that if I decided on keeping the baby I didn't feel ready for, I would end up being just like my mom, or worse.



Now, don't get me wrong. My mother tried her hardest to give us a good life. But she lost hers in the process. She doesn't think of herself as the mom anymore. She thinks of herself as the boss; the paycheck. And because of that, she believes that we all think it too. She treats us like employees, not family. The worst of it is, she's not happy. I don't think she will ever be happy. She married someone she really cares about, someone that she loves deep down somewhere. But she's not happy with him. Which isn't his or her fault. It just is. But she refuses to come to terms with it. To try and help herself and in turn, help us. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be unhappy. Especially at my own fault.



The thoughts of becoming my mother ran through my head like a marathon while I was pregnant, even when I was in labor. They frightened me and they hurt me. But as soon as that little girl came tumbling out of me, they all went flying away. All I could think about was my daughter. The fact that I was a mother hadn't even hit me. Nothing did other than Alina Elise. And though those thoughts of my turning out like my mom practically killed me twice over, I would think them for lifetimes rather than not. All because of the simple beauty that I got out of it all. The thoughts and the pains of birth feel like nothing now compared to my daughter's smile every morning when she wakes up to a brand new day.