Teenage to Teen Mom

When I think back on my pregnancy I notice that I realized I had a baby growing inside me far many more times than I had mood swings. And I would always forget that I had already gone through that realization every time I experienced it. I remember how I felt though, that will never leave my memory. I'd cry, smile, and fear. Cry at the fact that I had no idea what I was going to do. Smile at the thought of having a little me. Fear that if I decided on keeping the baby I didn't feel ready for, I would end up being just like my mom, or worse.



Now, don't get me wrong. My mother tried her hardest to give us a good life. But she lost hers in the process. She doesn't think of herself as the mom anymore. She thinks of herself as the boss; the paycheck. And because of that, she believes that we all think it too. She treats us like employees, not family. The worst of it is, she's not happy. I don't think she will ever be happy. She married someone she really cares about, someone that she loves deep down somewhere. But she's not happy with him. Which isn't his or her fault. It just is. But she refuses to come to terms with it. To try and help herself and in turn, help us. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be unhappy. Especially at my own fault.



The thoughts of becoming my mother ran through my head like a marathon while I was pregnant, even when I was in labor. They frightened me and they hurt me. But as soon as that little girl came tumbling out of me, they all went flying away. All I could think about was my daughter. The fact that I was a mother hadn't even hit me. Nothing did other than Alina Elise. And though those thoughts of my turning out like my mom practically killed me twice over, I would think them for lifetimes rather than not. All because of the simple beauty that I got out of it all. The thoughts and the pains of birth feel like nothing now compared to my daughter's smile every morning when she wakes up to a brand new day.